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Saturday, January 29, 2005
Hmmm...
OK here it is, the end to another day... Thank God it's over!!! My niece's birthday is coming up soon, like Monday, and I still haven't gotten her anything. Mostly because I have been at work, but also because I don't know what she wants. But I will see her on her big day and get something then... I AM A GREAT AUNTIE!!!!!! Happy Birthday Christy!!!!! Angry or Hurt?? Everyday I seem to be getting stronger. My life isn't over. I went to his web page today, and there was a new posting about all this stuff he is buying for his new apartment/life. Okay that's fine. The things I am angry/hurt about are... 1) he removed the link to my site 2) he wrote this... "Yesterday I woke up feeling so good it was amazing. Nothing on my body hurt or ached in ANY way..." ok so thats what really gets me. WTF he can't be in a little bit of pain because we ended? I know I am a girl and i take things more emotionally than guys do,but really... Is it too much to ask that he hurt a bit for me? It was NINE YEARS!!!!! It upsets me that he can break my heart into a million pieces and a few weeks later be okay. I was a great girlfriend! I learned to snowboard, I went fishing, i watched and became a nascar fan, I cooked for him, made his coffee, did his Christmas shopping/wrapping, went out & bought his best friend a birthday card. To be fair i enjoyed all of this, BUT it wasn't something i would have done on my own, I learned and did all these things because he enjoyed them and I loved him. I had A lot of fun doing these things with him, so it's not like it was a waste of time, but c'mon... HURT DAMN IT!!! MISS ME!!! If not me then MISS US, mourn for the death of a great love!! FEEL SOMETHING!!!!! Sissers, I am ok, not crying, or else I would call. I want to be his friend, I just don't see how that is possible right now. When we talk over the phone, I know we aren't getting back together, I am not asking for that, I can talk to him about my day or about my job and be okay, just sometimes he is a little insensitive. I hurt still, I mourn.. So how can you be friends when the pain is so close? Somedays are really good, i feel great i hurt, but it doesn't get me down, I wont let it. But when I read that it made me angry, why should I feel so bad, when he feels "great"? Why should I mourn something that doesn't seem to mean anything to him? And if it did, how was he able to let it go so easy? You know what's funny, the first Christmas present he ever gave me, was the Bed of Roses soundtrack. There was a really great song by Jane Arden, called Insensitive, these are some of the lyrics.... How do you numb your skin ?? after the warmest touch How do slow your blood? After the body rush... How do you free your soul? After you found a friend... How do you teach your heart to fall in love again... I want to fall in love again. I wanna feel that great rush of joy when that special person smiles at you, but for now... I just don't want to hurt or feel angry anymore, it's too hard.
++ Sille0ne at 11:10 PM
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Crying...
Well it has now been a few weeks since the break up. I still cry, not because i am lonely or depressed, but because we had a great magic, and we lost it. A co-worker said it best to me, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." And that made me feel better, I don't hate Rudy for hurting me. I don't blame him for leaving, if it was over why prolong the end... Am i over Rudy? I don't think I ever will be, but the thought of being with out him doesn't cause great waves of pain, more like bittersweet memories. I seem to be getting better everyday. Jobless So in other news i have decieded to quit my job and look for something different. Kinda scared now. But i have wanted to leave for a really long time, so now i am.... wish me luck
++ Sille0ne at 1:29 PM
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Hello All!!!
How do you like the new layout? I am so loving it. Thanks Sisser!!!! Today was a good day. Compared to my year so far that is... I woke up early and went to a girl scout leaders meeting with my big sisser, went and had a great lunch, and went to work. I was asked out today at work. He is a regular customer, and we are friendly, about 6 months ago he broke up with his girlfriend, 1 month before they were to get married. He told me about this a few months ago, so when he came in tonight, i told him about my breaking up with my long time boyfriend, didn't go in to detail, and i wasn't hitting on him, just making conversation. So he asks my age and i told him and he was like, "so when are you going to have dinner with me?" And I was like not for a long time, not really interested in dating, but i kind of blew him off. After he left, Crystal, an employee, was like "OMG, Jodi he was serious, he always watches you when he is here." Ok normally I wouldn't post about getting hit, not to toot my own horn, but i am NOT ugly, so it happens, but this guy was actually good looking. Some of the guys aren't. This just really made my day I guess. I will be Okay!!!
++ Sille0ne at 11:01 PM
Friday, January 21, 2005
New Years Resolution
I normally don't do a new years resolution, i don't really believe in them. If you want to make a change in your life why wait? Well this year things were taken out of my hands, so here is my New Year Resolution... I will be Okay. Hearts don't stay broken, I will learn to be myself without him. I am a strong and beautiful person inside and out, and although i want him, I don't need him. I have a great family who has been so supportive. My heart is broken now, but it wont stay that way. I will make a Great life for myself. Starting NOW... why wait?
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